Last winter Josh, Andy and I coming back from Clarkston after working on a large job that we started a few days before. Andy and I act like complete idiots when there are no customers around, yelling at each other, throwing things, sending dirty text messages to each others girlfriends, ex girlfriends, sisters, whoever, and pretty much beating the living crap out of each other on a daily basis.
Omnimount plasma mounts usually come with 8" metal extension bars that are solid, and one end is threaded while the other end has a hole for another one to screw into. We discovered you can take these and put alot of them together for a pretty deadly weapon. We aptly named it "The Rod of Doom."
We were driving along, listening to the radio, and I start ripping on Andy's girlfriend (who is a board members sister ) Andy generally doesn't like it when I pick on his girlfriend, which is more reason for me to do it. Andy gets mad, and grabs the Rod of Doom, which is now about 24" long, and starts swinging at me when I'm driving. Now I happened to have my staplegun in the map pocket on the door, on my left side. I grab it, and open fire. Staples whizz through the air as Andy continues to beat on me with this heavy metal rod. Josh is sitting in the back, laughing his ass off. Please keep in mind we were on the expressway going about 75 mph when this was happening.
I switch hands because he kept nailing my right arm, which I was using to steer with and the van kept swerving. Staplegun in my right hand now, we continue our battle. I was trying to stay focused on the road, despite Andy's best attempts to break my limbs, and fired out of the corner of my eye. Josh cheers us on. "THOK THOK THOK" the staplegun went as I continued my barrage of staples. Now, this isn't a little wussy pussy staplegun, it's got a heavy spring and it can sink a 3/4" romex staple into a 2x4 like nobodys business. "THOK THOK THOK" More staples came flying out. Andy decides to put the rod in his left hand, and whip me with it. Andy lashes out, and I resume firing. "THOK THOK KA-CHUNK!" There was dead silence in the van.
Andy looks down at his left arm. His heavy winter jacket was deeply pinned to his upper bicep. It looked like a Mexican came up and button-tucked it like a couch pillow. More silence for about 5 more seconds, and then Andy came to. "AAAAAAAAAUUUUGHHHHH!!" he screamed. Josh and I roared with laughter. Andy tugged at his coat, but the staple would not come out. Josh opened the toolbox, and grabbed some needlenose pliers. With a little encouragement, the staple finally came out. Andy removed his coat, and pulled up his sleeve. He looked like he had been bitten by a snake. I pretty much got my ass beat for the next 20 minutes, I was laughing too hard to defend myself. Good times
Coming up next: "The time little Gibbs fell through the ceiling"
__________________ 99 C5 - 383 LS6 stroker, D&D T56, 4.10's, and every other bolt-on under the sun.
One of our favorite things we used to do when we had a big job that required more than one van was to play a game we called "Bumper Vans." We used to have these old E150 cargo vans with a million miles on them that we didn't really care about. These vans were unmarked, which was great because you could be a complete ******* in traffic and without a number to call, nobody could do anything except call the police. Since the vans were all registered to my business, the police would then call me and I would say "I'm not sure who is driving that van today, I have several" and that would be the end of it. My guys knew I would always cover for them, so they liberally abused the privelege. I must admit, so did I
So one day last summer we were driving back from a far away job, and we had stopped at the bar on the way home for a few drinks and some hot wings. I'm stopped at a red light, and even though it was 6:00 and still very much light out, I was tired. Josh was sitting next to me in the passenger seat, asleep. I wasn't paying attention as another van comes barreling up behind me and BAM! Smashes into the back of my van, spilling my coke everywhere and pushing me a few feet into the intersection. Josh falls out of his seat onto the floor and starts yelling. Soaked in Coca Cola, and now with a sore neck, I hear Andy's loud Hyena laugh coming from the van behind me. The random driver of the car stopped in the next lane is just sitting there and starts to get out of his car to see if we are ok.
I quickly look to see if anyone is behind Andy, and motion to the driver that we're ok at the same time. I throw my van in reverse, and floor it. KABLAM! Right into the front of Andy's van, pushing him back several feet. The guy in the car next to us is now crying because he is laughing so hard. The light turns green, and Andy Floors his van, again smashing into my rear bumper. I slam on the brakes, and Andy starts screaming. His tires do the same as he tries to push me through the intersection. Oddly enough the guy stopped next to us has not moved, I think by this time he had pissed himself at our display of Van aggression. FINALLY some other cars start coming up, and I decide its time to start moving forward. I wave to my new friend in the next lane, and take off.
You might think it is over, but it is not. The street widens to 3 lanes, and Andy comes tearing up beside me and throws something. A half eaten 2 day old burrito comes sailing in and lands on Josh, who couldn't get the window up. That did it. The start of World War 3.
Josh starts screaming in anger, and I yell for him to take the wheel and switch seats with me. Dumb, I know but we're pretty experienced at horse-assing around, and there wasn't much traffic on the road. With Josh driving and myself in the passenger seat, I reached in the back and grabbed our carryout container. Since we eat like pigs most of the time, there is always ammunition in the van. This time we had about 40 leftover hot wings from the bar, and a small bucket of blue cheese dressing to dip them in. I roll the window back open, and lean out with the bucket of blue cheese in my arm. I grab a chicken wing, dip it in dressing, and hurl it as hard as I could at Andy's van. DIRECT HIT! The hot sauce and blue cheese made a nice splatter on the side of the van. I begin my barrage of assorted fried bird parts, with Josh howling in the background. Andy is driving along, laughing like a Hyena and pointing at me getting frustrated because it's kinda hard to aim a little drumstick when you are moving at 40 mph.
Kenny is sitting in the passenger seat next to Andy, and decides he wants in on the action. He had a big bag of those sugary fruit slices, and starts chewing them up and making a big ball of sugary orange mess. He leans out his window and lobs this big ball of goo over their van, smacking ours on the side and leaving a nice orange streak. We come up to a light, and Andy pulls in real quick next to me, blocking me from moving forward, opening my door, or throwing anything out the window. I was busy smearing chicken wing all over his window, when I noticed Kenny getting out of the van. He ran up and dumped old chocolate milkshake all over the windshield of our van. Josh starts yelling and turned on the wipers, but we were out of windshield fluid so he pretty much just smeared the chocolate around. After much yelling, the light turns green and we tear off.
I'm running low on fried chicken at this point, so I start looking around for other things to find. Another big ball of chewed fruit candy comes sailing over and smacks the side of our van. Andy tells Kenny to grab the wheel, and Andy gets up on the seat and pulls his pants down, pressing his bare ass to the glass. This enrages Josh and I further, so we quickly formulate a plan. We come up to the next light just as it turns red, and Josh pulls the same blocking move on Andy by pulling kinda in front of him so he can't move forward.
I jump out the back door of my van with some leftover coleslaw from lunch. Andy and Kenny don't notice me run behind their van and come up to the cargo door. Andy's cargo door lock was broken, and we only locked it at night by putting a padlock through it on the inside so people couldnt easily get in. I throw his door open, and Andy and Kenny scream with suprise. I pelt Andy right in the face with a big handful of coleslaw. He starts yelling and screaming as the light turns green. I quickly run back and hop in the back door of my van, pausing to wave at the lady who was stopped behind us like
Josh tears off after Andy, who apparently had enough. Out of ammunition and covered in italian dressing, he raced back to the shop. I was sad, because that was the end of our confrontation. For that day We got back, and all stood in the parking lot viewing the aftermath. Andy looked like he drove through a flock of fried chickens, covered in hot sauce and blue cheese. My van looked like I took out the candy aisle at CVS, with chocolate splashed all over the front of the van, and chewed orange candy stuck all over the side of it. I had a huge dent in my rear bumper, and Andy's looked like it was going to fall off. All in all, we had a pretty good day
__________________ 99 C5 - 383 LS6 stroker, D&D T56, 4.10's, and every other bolt-on under the sun.
It was late one December, just before Christmas and Josh and I were in Lake Orion to hang a plasma television and mount some speakers. We arrived at the customers house, knocked on the door, and waited patiently for an answer. The door finally opens and this GORGEOUS woman is standing in front of us. Please keep in mind that to most males of my age GORGEOUS meant she had big cans. We kinda stood there for a second without blinking, then introduced ourselves and went inside.
This woman had a very nice home, it was nicely decorated and the layout was very cool. A little kid comes running up and says something with the word "mommy" in it. Josh and I look at each other, and I mouth "MILF!" and he smiles and nods. After talking with this woman for a few minutes and getting an idea of where she wanted us to put everything, she drops the "Ex Husband" Bomb. Another smile to Josh, followed with a nod.
We ran out to the van to get our tools, the first time we could actually speak freely without the fear of getting slapped or sued, or maybe if one of us was lucky, taken upstairs "OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THOSE BOOBS THEY'RE BIGGER THAN MY HEAD!" I exclaimed, and plenty of other dirty talk followed. for the first time ever, we were actually anxious to get back inside and get to work. We came back inside, and then went downstairs, to find the best way to run the wiring. Josh walks over to a small table by the wall, and starts laughing. "Check this out" he says as he picks up a box with a breast pump in it. "I wonder how many times she has to empty this thing, as big as those sweater puppies are!?" We laughed for a minute, and continued on with our work.
Nothing interesting really happened for the rest of the install. I went upstairs, and started mounting the speakers. It was going quite well, until her young son started crying. This kid was probably 2 to 2 and a half years old, and could walk, and was still learning how to talk. He walked up to his mother, and the conversation went as follows. Please keep her enormous boobs and our basement discovery in mind as you read this.
Kid - <crying> Maamaa!
MILF - Aww whats the matter baby?
Kid - I hungy!
MILF - Oh! Do you want some apple juice?
Kid - Nuh uh!
MILF - Do you want some orange juice?
Kid - Nuh uh!
MILF - Do you want some grape juice?
Kid - Nuh uh!
MILF - Do you want some Mommy Juice?
Son of a bitch I fell off my ladder. The room was spinning. I could not breathe, or see straight. I damn near bit my tongue off trying not to laugh. I could taste the blood, but I kept biting as to not explode into laughter. I ALMOST made it downstairs where Josh was and it came out. BWAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!! I exclaimed, as I struggled for breath. I told Josh what happened, and he started choking he was laughing so hard. We sat in the basement for a good 15-20 minutes waiting until it wasn't funny anymore. That didn't work, so we went back upstairs to finish the job. I couldn't look at her the rest of the night without giggling. It was GREAT.
__________________ 99 C5 - 383 LS6 stroker, D&D T56, 4.10's, and every other bolt-on under the sun.
My cousin owns and operates a cosmetic dentistry practice. Now this story is not about him, but it is about one of his friends who he referrerd me to. I haven't told my cousin this story, but I might have to give him the link.
It was a hot August morning, and Josh and I set off to do an install in a townhouse in Northville. We walk up, and greet the dentist and his wife, and go into the house to scope out the situation. Now as you can imagine this guy had a NICE place, with expensive art and furniture everywhere, nothing out of the ordinary. We walk into the bedroom, and the dentist shows us where he would like the TV. I scope out the bedroom real quick, everything is neat and clean, again nothing out of the ordinary. I look around to find the closest power outlet I can tie a piece of romex into, and we get started on our installation.
After discussing with the dentist and his wife exactly where they want the TV, we start marking the walls and cutting holes to run cables through and mounting the electrical box. The installation itself went smoothly as always, and after an hour or so we begin to plug things in. They had a cable box and an older DVD player that they wanted to use, so we did. I turned the TV on and ran through the setup. Turned the internal tuner off, labeled the video inputs and set the ones that weren't used to skip. I put the TV on the cable input, and started messing with the settings on the cable box.
The dentist and his wife came into the room to watch at this point, both excited about their new television and our progress. I turned the DVD player on, and flipped the TV to the DVD input. Loading... the player said. All of a sudden an image pops up on the screen, and I quicky realize it is the very bedroom that we were standing in right that second. On the bed, the wife was busy giving oral pleasure to the dentist, who was making funny faces. I could not hit stop fast enough as the wife exclaims "Oh dear, they found YOUR movie sweetie!" I couldn't help it, the filter between my brain and mouth must not have been turned on that morning. "His movie, huh? I'm pretty sure you were in it too!" My hand clamped over my mouth as the last word came out. The woman turned bright red and ran out of the room in embarrassment, and I was mortified at what I just said. Akwardness followed... along with alot of silence as we showed them how to use their new television. On the way out he slipped us each a $50 and said "Don't tell Georgie (my cousin) about this!"
__________________ 99 C5 - 383 LS6 stroker, D&D T56, 4.10's, and every other bolt-on under the sun.
40 foot food fight had me rolling, that made my day. those are all great
__________________ 1999 NBM Z28 408ci, M6, MWC 9", 3.89's, 244/250 111+3 Custom hood and spoiler...Everything but good heads.. 13mpg 1964 Chevelle SS Vert, 572ci, 5sp, 9" locker w/ 3.89s. Truck arm suspension, Custom everything. 8mpg 1997 Kawasaki Vulcan 750 - 60mpg ------ 10/26/06 RIP John Seaton - Best friend and a great car guy
) Andy generally doesn't like it when I pick on his girlfriend, which is more reason for me to do it. Andy gets mad, and grabs the Rod of Doom, which is now about 24" long, and starts swinging at me when I'm driving. Now I happened to have my staplegun in the map pocket on the door, on my left side. I grab it, and open fire. Staples whizz through the air as Andy continues to beat on me with this heavy metal rod. Josh is sitting in the back, laughing his ass off. Please keep in mind we were on the expressway going about 75 mph when this was happening. 
and starts to get out of his car to see if we are ok. 
We got back, and all stood in the parking lot viewing the aftermath. Andy looked like he drove through a flock of fried chickens, covered in hot sauce and blue cheese. My van looked like I took out the candy aisle at CVS, with chocolate splashed all over the front of the van, and chewed orange candy stuck all over the side of it. I had a huge dent in my rear bumper, and Andy's looked like it was going to fall off. All in all, we had a pretty good day 
