yeah dude ive seen some pretty bizare stuff i delivered furniture for a while in highschool back in the day and people are perverts ive seen something similar to the drilldo but it looked to be made out of a sawzall
__________________ 2KBDBRD 2000 FORMULA A4 Not so Stock!!! 99BDBRD 1999 Firebird M5 Slow and Low!!!
One early December morning Josh and I set out to Okemos to install a plasma television and a surround sound system. It was a week before Christmas, and we were ridiculously busy. One of the things that we always do when we are in this area is stop at Big John's Steak and Onion. Delicious subs, unfortunately the closest one to my house is an hour away. Anyways, we go in, and get our subs and a bowl of broccoli cheddar soup. Nothing of interest happened there, but Big John plays a major role later on in the day.
We pull into the driveway of this duplex, and our customers house was the back unit. We make our way to the back where the garage is, and park the van. I'm fumbling for a minute with the keys, the ignition lock was worn so sometimes it took a little finesse. Josh taps my arm, and I look up. Josh is staring at the back of the house. I look over, and the entire back of the house was made out of glass, like a big picture window. The room I was looking at had a tall vaulted ceiling, and the glass went all the way to the roof. Then I saw it. "WHAT THE **** IS THAT..." I exclaimed. In the room stood a GIANT fuzzy pink Christmas tree, it had to have been 14 feet tall. "Is this the right house?" Josh doesn't say a word, he just kinda slowly nods his head. We sit there for a second, and decide we might as well just get it over with. We walk to the door, which was also pink (the rest of the duplex was painted a bluish color) and I knock. We stand there in absolute terror, wondering what kind of crazy lesbian was going to answer the door. The doorknob rattles, and the door creaks open.
Standing in front of us was a giant muscular man dressed in a biker outfit. This guy was easily 6 and a half feet tall, bald shaved head, and a beard. He wore black jeans, black biker boots, a black t-shirt and a silver chain around his neck. His arms were covered in tattoos, and he had a few bracelets made out of chain. This guy looked like he could kick some serious ass if he wanted to. For a brief moment, we breathed a sigh of relief. We though OK, this guy is here while his girlfriend was at work. How wrong we were.
We said hello, and went inside. I have never seen so much pink in all my life. We were standing in the kitchen, and I looked around. Pink tile. Pink cabinets. Pink countertops. Pink walls. Pink table. Pink glasses. Pink plates. Pink appliances. On the walls were Women's lib pictures from the 40's and 50's, and pictures of other feminine things. As we noticed the pinkness, reality quickly sunk in. I felt like I had walked into a life size Barbie playhouse. Oh how I wished Barbie was there. But she was not. Big Gay Steve, the Christmas Tree Fairy, had taken up residence in her place.
We walked in the living room where the giant fuzzy pink Christmas tree stood. It had gold tinsel, and was covered in beach ball sized ornaments. A fuzzy pink blanket lay on the floor around the tree, and giant pink boxes with giant frilly white bows where strewn across the floor. On the coffee table lay the biggest diamond ring I had ever seen in my life. I don't mean it was a regular ring with a big rock on it, I mean if I was to pick this thing up I could easily pass my head through it. The diamond was made out of glass, and was easily bigger than a softball. It was the gayest thing I had ever seen.
Josh and I went (quickly) out to the van to grab our tools, and talk about the horror we were just witness too.
Josh - Where do you think he gets all this ****?
Me - I don't know, some big gay warehouse?
Josh - WHAT!? There can't be a big Gays 'R Us somewhere where you can just walk in and buy a giant fuzzy pink Christmas tree!?!
Me - I dunno man, I've seen some pretty wierd **** on the internet.
Josh - True..
We go back inside, and get to work. On top of being incredibly flamboyant, this guy was VERY OCD. Josh and I would be doing something like drilling a hole or sawing on the drywall, and he would follow behind us with a small shop vac and suck up the dust as it came off the saw. It was very annoying, but I didn't want to agitate this guy and somehow end up tied up in his basement or simmering in a pot on his stove. An hour or so came by, and a friend came by to say "hello!"
It was Big John, and it felt like he had brought reinforcements. I tried to fight Big John off, but quickly realized it was a war I was not going to win. I looked first at Josh, and I thought I was going to cry. "Sir?" I said. God did that feel wierd calling this guy "sir". I felt as if I should have said "Ma'am" or "Miss" or something along those lines. "May I use your bathroom?" He said sure, no problem, and pointed down the hallway. I gritted my teeth, and walked towards the bathroom. I put my hands up to act like horse blinders, rubbing my temples at the same time so the guy wouldn't know what was up.
I walked into the bathroom, and I was pleasantly suprised. It was completely normal. White walls, white floor, white tub, just... normal. "Too normal for this guy" I thought, as I checked for cameras in the vent and under the toilet seat, just for good measure. I did my business, washed my hands, and opened the door to walk out. That's where I made my fatal mistake.
Due to the over - normalness of this guys bathroom, I completely let my guard down as I entered the hallway. There, across the hall from the bathroom, was this guys bedroom. I gasped in horror as I gazed into the room. There was a round bed in the middle of the room, covered in leopard fur, and chains hung from the ceiling above. On the wall were whips, chains, gags, and other kinds of restraints. He even had those things with a red rubber ball. The "pièce de resistance" was straight out of Pulp Fiction. It was a complete "Gimp" outfit made out of black rubber, latex or leather or SOMETHING. Zippers over the mouth, eyes, nose, ears, everywhere! It had loops for chains and cuffs, and in that instant I wanted nothing more than to be safe at home. I walked back into the living room, where Josh noticed something was terribly wrong. "What's up?" he asked, and I just shook my head no, with a look of fright in my eyes.
I did not say a word until we got back in the van to leave.
__________________ 99 C5 - 383 LS6 stroker, D&D T56, 4.10's, and every other bolt-on under the sun.
I asked the guy why he returned the other system, and he said that he could not hear sound out of the rear speakers when he was watching tv or DVD's. The guy didn't have cable, and since he only had one DVD I knew this guy had spent the last week and a half sitting on his couch jerkin it to Big Wet Arses in stereo. Apparently he wanted to hear the ass smacking all around him. I explained to him that most porno films, especially burned ones, do not have a dolby digital track to go with it and the best he could hope to do was 5 channel stereo. He didn't really get it, but whatever he was retarded.
The all time funniest thing I have EVER read on the internet!
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03 Cobra-475/441 to the wheels
02 SS & 00 Z/28-Gone
The all time funniest thing I have EVER read on the internet!
This whole damned thread is the funniest thing I've EVER read on the net, or anywhere else for that matter!! I'm laughing my ass off like an f'in MANIAC!! Really, my vision is blurring from laughing so freakin hard!!!!
I don't care if it's real or made up, it is GREAT! KEEP GOING! You should be writing for some of these so called comedy shows, as your stuff is 1000x more hysterical!!
LMAO those are freaking great... damn I wish I had some like that, I only had Hot rich brokers who wanted me to do their loans quick so they did what it took >_<
__________________ 93 Notch- Wrong motor... or... now the right one?
02 Z28 - 21k miles TTII's - Noisy belt... F/S - 17,500 OBO
Funniest thread I have ever read. I have been trying so hard not to crack up at work I hve literally had to leave the office so I could laugh.
__________________ 2000 TA RAM AIR 6spd
Couple of SLP goodies. C5 ZO6 wheels 18's Front, 20's Rear
LS6 Intake manifold, ported TB, XS Stainless LT's and ORY, Patriot 225 Cam, Fidanza 3.2 Clutch, YT lightened flywheel
Pharro Performance short shifter, double Adj. LCA's, PHB, STB, and SFC's
Formato tuned 365.6hp 358.4tq Need a different cam
93 Fireturd V6 5spd. For Sale Will trade for a 94 or newer S10. Dont care about the engine in it.
One night after work a few years ago, Jeremy and I were sitting in his apartment playing Halo and having a few beers. We were kinda drunk, and the game was turned up pretty loud. We had just started a new level, when I heard a woman screaming from another apartment. I thought it might have been part of a song or something since the radio was on, but it didn't stop and got louder. We paused the game, turned down the radio, and stepped into the hallway to investigate.
"HEEELP!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!! OOHHH!!" It was coming from the apartment next door, where we knew a young woman lived. We pounded on the locked door, with no answer. A neighbor came up to see what the commotion was about. "Do you think she's getting raped or something?" Jeremy asked. I didn't want to risk it, so I reared back and with a thunderous kick that would have made Mr. Miyagi proud, I broke the door off the frame. We rushed into the apartment and into the living room. There was blood EVERYWHERE.
A woman came out of the bedroom absolutely covered in more blood, looking like she was going to pass out. Jeremy rushed over to help her, and the neighbor dialed 911. They discovered the blood came from a large cut on the womans leg, and they wrapped a towel around it and tried to calm the woman. She was also very drunk. I went to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest knife I could find. Few things anger me more than domestic violence, and in an alcohol fueled rage I began to search the apartment. God have mercy on the man who did this to the poor woman, because I sure as hell wasn't going to. I ran from room to room, when Jeremy yells "Mike, come in here you need to see this!" I run back to the bathroom and notice all the water that is flowing out in the hallway.
"What?!" I asked Jeremy, still wanting to kill someone. He points in the bathroom, so I take a look. The toilet looked like someone had smashed it with a sledgehammer. There were bloody chunks of porcelain on the ground, and a pool of bloody water below. The police and EMS arrive, and tend to the woman. It took some coaxing, but we were able to get the woman to tell us what happened.
The woman was sitting in her apartment drinking by herself, as evidenced by the empty bottle of vodka on the living room floor. She was watching the movie "Seabiscuit" and when the horse lost at the end, she was so upset that she got up and walked into the bathroom. She kicked the toilet as hard as she could, shattering the bowl and slicing her foot and leg open. Too drunk to know what to do, she started screaming.
We never did get thanked for trying to help her.
__________________ 99 C5 - 383 LS6 stroker, D&D T56, 4.10's, and every other bolt-on under the sun.
No way! I hinted at there being more to the Bumper Vans and the 40 mph food fight, of course we had a rematch I still have to finish the Big Wet Asses Saga, tell you about the time Little Gibbs fell through the ceiling, and more I'm tired now, its 2am and I just got back from a 30 mile bike ride so I'm not really feeling it at the moment. There will be more tomorrow
__________________ 99 C5 - 383 LS6 stroker, D&D T56, 4.10's, and every other bolt-on under the sun.
I was 16 working a summer job in and around Houston, Texas in the summer of 2001. The days consisted of me running in the attics, having near death experiences on a daily basis from dehydration, fiber glass imbedded in my skin, Mexican food, and driving all over Houston to install AC units and what not. This particular summer was also EXTRA hot. The feels like was around 115, so the attics were ridiculous when teamed with 90% humidity. About 30 seconds into being in the attic, you were drenched in sweat, and continued to profusely sweat until you were back into what seemed to be cold 100 degree weather outside. We get a call in Pasadena to a house that was in one of the older, but nicer neighborhoods of the old part of town. We pull up and it’s an extremely well kept lawn, nice house, nice early 80’d Oldsmobile that still looked new…
We get to the front door, I ring the doorbell…. Ring it again…. Ring it once more… and finally she opens the door. When the door opens up I feel a swoosh of air that’s colder the southern tip of south Africa, obviously the AC has been running the ever living shit out it. Out walks a living female fossil, she must have at least been 100 years old… weighing in at roughly 74 LBs, wearing a hideous mumu, crazy hair, crazy one eyed French poodle… just your everyday crazy lady..
We go to the truck to get some tools and I tell the guys, “Man she look like shes 100 years old, crazy ass old lady… and whats with the dogs missing eye?” We all think nothing of the small talk between ourselves…
So we start assessing the situation inside the home, she was having problems with water leaking on her roof. We fix the extremely simple problem by just readjusting her drain pan and purging her PVC drain pipes and start the clean up. You know old people write checks for everything? She writes a check for 30 or 40 bucks for our stop… as shes filling in the check…
Crazy old lady: “What’s the date fellas?”
Me: “Ma’am, I think it’s the 6th of June.”
And then it comes….
Crazy old lady: “What year is it?”
Me: “Ma’am I believe its 2001”
Crazy old lady: “WHAT?! Oh boy, I thought it was 1988!”
Me: *not knowing what to say… awkward silence as she finishes the check
Crazy old lady: “Oh my, its my birthday, ill be one hundred years old today…”
Me: “HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA”, awww dude!”
Dude I nailed the age on the head… 100 years old to the day…
-justin
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1996 Camaro Z28 CRM
'03 Vette Ls1 swap in progress, Tubular K-Member, Poly bushings, more parts on its way... 1995 Pontiac Trans Am Dark Silver/Black
LT1, LT's, ORY, Magnaflow Catback, poly bushings, lowered, KYB's, The New DD
I need my afternoon fix of this funny chit. Yesterday afternoon went by really fast after reading these.
__________________ 2000 TA RAM AIR 6spd
Couple of SLP goodies. C5 ZO6 wheels 18's Front, 20's Rear
LS6 Intake manifold, ported TB, XS Stainless LT's and ORY, Patriot 225 Cam, Fidanza 3.2 Clutch, YT lightened flywheel
Pharro Performance short shifter, double Adj. LCA's, PHB, STB, and SFC's
Formato tuned 365.6hp 358.4tq Need a different cam
93 Fireturd V6 5spd. For Sale Will trade for a 94 or newer S10. Dont care about the engine in it.
next please, you have my fullest attention
Will trade for a 94 or newer S10. Dont care about the engine in it. 
I still have to finish the Big Wet Asses Saga, tell you about the time Little Gibbs fell through the ceiling, and more 
