Drilldo's, Big Wet Arses, and more! All in a days work...
Some of you know that I own a company that sells, services, and installs Home Theater equipment. I do everything in the business, I am not above getting down and dirty and going in a crawlspace or a 130 degree attic to get the job done. I figured some of you guys might get a kick out of some of the things I have encountered in a days worth of work.
I shall start with the Drilldo story.
Last summer I was training a new employee named Josh. We went to a city called Birmingham (nice fairly expensive place) to this lady's house to install a plasma television and a bose lifestyle system. We pull up, nice little house with a big garden, and a white picket fence. She had a white Lexus SUV and a white Lexus convertible, and her house and yard were very well maintained. We met the lady outside and talked for a few minutes, then followed her in. She was late 40's, early 50's. Upon entering I immediately noticed the lack of male presence in the house, or children. We went upstairs to her loft area, and she showed us where she wanted the TV and sound system. She had an L shaped sectional couch, and immediately behind the couch was a desk with a computer, and on the other side of the room was some exercise equipment. Anyways, we did the install and got everything where it needed to be, and were testing the system out. I asked the lady for a DVD, and I popped it in. It was an exercise video, with some techno music playing and some ladys running on treadmills or something. We went to test the VCR, but the TV was on the wrong input so we got sound from the receiver but no picture on the TV. More techno music, so I thought nothing of it thinking it was another exercise tape. Well, I flipped the input on the TV to the correct one the exact same instant Josh flipped the receiver to a different input, so this time we had no sound but we did have picture. It was a video of a chick going to town on herself with her finger. My eyes got kinda big and I flipped it off real quick. Josh got this stupid grin on his face, knowing what was going to come next.
I have been in this business for several years, and in my time I have encountered alot of porn left in DVD players and VCR's. More than enough to make me calloused to it, I don't even get suprised anymore. I do however, get huge enjoyment out of making sure the customer knows I found their porn. It doesn't embarass me any, and I know DAMN well that if it is a job that came from Circuit City or Best Buy or anywhere else that the customer is not going to go into the store to tell the manager I found their porn.
So anyways, we get everything set up, and I call the lady over. I show her how to use the TV, make sure she understands the cable box, the receiver, DVD player, etc and I test everything out with her watching or have her do it so she understands. So the time comes to press play on the VCR, and I get a little smile knowing what is about to happen. BAM, we're watching a chick do her thing.
lady- "Oh my"
I leave it playing.
me- "Maybe it is your husbands?"
lady- "I'm not married."
me- "Your sons?"
lady- "I don't have any kids. Is it recorded?"
I rewind it and press play
me- "Yep, it's recorded off of TV or a DVD"
So anyways, I gave this lady like 15 different outs and I finally dropped it. We were getting ready to leave, and she says "Oh wait, can you take the DVR from my bedroom and switch it with this box?" I said sure no problem, and I had Josh do it since he was still really new and learning connections. We walk into her room and she had a 36" Sony flat tube wedged in an armoir, with a cable box turned on its side next to the TV. Josh reaches back there and starts trying to unplug the cables. The lady says "Oh here let me get you a flashlight." So she walks over to her nightstand and opens the drawer. There was a GIANT blue dildo sitting in the drawer and Josh and I could clearly see it. I get another little grin but say nothing. THEN the lady grabs this big blue monstrosity and picks it up with her left hand, holds it, and continues digging through the drawer until she finds a flashlight. "Found it" she exclaims, with a dildo in one hand and a flashlight in the other. I noticed the non business end of the dildo had a funny metal thing on it, and I also noticed that right below the drawer of the night stand was a shelf with a cordless drill on it. I immediately put 2 and 2 together... and I think my brain short circuited at this point. Everything I had ever seen so far paled in comparison to this. I excused myself and RAN to the van where I burst out laughing for a few minutes. The rest of the story doesn't matter, but it was GREAT!
__________________ 99 C5 - 383 LS6 stroker, D&D T56, 4.10's, and every other bolt-on under the sun.
Over the winter I got a work order for an install from Circuit City for a basic installation, which is pretty much just plugging crap in. I took Andy, and he and I rolled out to this guys apartment. We knock on the door, and this guy answers. The first thing I notice is the cloud of cigarette smoke, followed by stank, that came pouring out of this guys apartment.
The guy was wearing kakhi pants that weren't buttoned with boxer shorts pulled to his belly button, and nothing else. It looked like he hadn't taken the pants off in 3 or 4 months. We walked in, and there was trash and filth EVERYWHERE. Plates of half eaten food, pizza boxes, tv dinners, cigarette butts all over the floor, burn marks on the carpet where he would drop a lit cigarette and it would burn itself out... etc. One of the first things I said was "Sir, I have bad asthma do you mind if I open your doorwall and get some fresh air in here? (Total bull****, I'm healthy as a horse. If I tell you I have asthma it means either put your cigarette out, or you ****ing stink. In this case, it was both.)
After talking to the guy for about 4 seconds I realized he was retarded. Anyways, I open the doorwall all the way and we get to work. He purchased a halfway decent home theater in a box, and we get everything wired up. Time came to test the system, and I asked the gentleman for a DVD. He got this sheepish look on his face, and said "I only have one, it's kiiiiinda diiiiiiiirrrty." I told him that it was ok, we are all adults here and its not anything I haven't seen before. Andy, who has less self control than anyone else I know, starts snortling so hard because he knows what is coming that he has to get behind the TV and hide, pretending to plug more things in.
I pop the DVD in, and BOOM "BIG WET ASSES" appeared on the screen. I grin to myself, and hit scene selection. I looked for the dirtiest, raunchiest looking scene I could find. I found the perfect one where a chick is getting blasted in her... big wet ass. I press play, and the video starts. I'm not going to get into details, but there was alot of moaning and screaming going on. Please keep in mind that I had the doorwall open, on account of my "asthma". I start testing it out, making sure it worked. I turned up the speakers, and said "let's see what this puppy can do!". This was not a small home theater system. It was a 700 watt Harmon Kardon system with some pretty big speakers. And I turned it ALL the way up. The screaming and moaning and noises were sooo loud. Pictures were shaking on the walls with every scream, moan, and "AAAAHHHH, OOOOH YEAH AAAAAAAHHH!!! AAAAAHH!!" Andy was shaking he was laughing so hard behind the TV, while I had a perfectly straight face. The guy LOVED it.... until 3 or 4 minutes later when he realized his doorwall was open and there were people staring from the courtyard. He got all embarrassed and I actually felt kind bad because he was retarded, so I turned it down and showed him how to use everything, and we left. Andy was shaking for a good 4 hours after we left.
Big Wet Arses parts 2 and 3 to follow
__________________ 99 C5 - 383 LS6 stroker, D&D T56, 4.10's, and every other bolt-on under the sun.
A week and a half later I get another work order for this same customer. I was confused, but went over there anyways. This time I brought Josh, he wanted to see the nastiness firsthand, as he did not believe it or the Big Wet Arse story. Basically we get there and it was the same deal, but this time he had a t shirt on that could have been white at one time.
I walk in, and after doing my "I have asthma" thing again I immediately notice that the system that we had previously put in the week before was gone, and there was a Bose AM15 and a Denon receiver unpacked and on the table. I asked the guy why he returned the other system, and he said that he could not hear sound out of the rear speakers when he was watching tv or DVD's. The guy didn't have cable, and since he only had one DVD I knew this guy had spent the last week and a half sitting on his couch jerkin it to Big Wet Arses in stereo. Apparently he wanted to hear the ass smacking all around him. I explained to him that most porno films, especially burned ones, do not have a dolby digital track to go with it and the best he could hope to do was 5 channel stereo. He didn't really get it, but whatever he was retarded.
We hooked up his new bose system to his receiver, and again I ask for a DVD. He replied that he only had one, and he didn't want it too loud this time. YEAH RIGHT! I put it in, turn it up a bit, only not so loud this time. They guy becomes totally transfixed. He sat there for 2 or 3 minutes just staring at this guy going to town on this Big Wet Ass.... and Josh and I stared at the guy. I got annoyed and said "Sir, you really don't want us to sit here and watch this with you, do you?" to which he replied "Huh huh huuuhhh... Noooot unless you plan on getting a little friiiiieeeenndllyy..." On that note Josh ran outside, leaving me to fend for myself. It was only fair, as I left him alone with the Drilldo Lady. I didn't say a word, I held out my invoice and a pen, he signed it, and I got out as fast as I could.
Big Wet Arses part 3 tomorrow... I'm getting tired.
__________________ 99 C5 - 383 LS6 stroker, D&D T56, 4.10's, and every other bolt-on under the sun.
1996 Camaro Z28 CRM
'03 Vette Ls1 swap in progress, Tubular K-Member, Poly bushings, more parts on its way... 1995 Pontiac Trans Am Dark Silver/Black
LT1, LT's, ORY, Magnaflow Catback, poly bushings, lowered, KYB's, The New DD
I've encountered similar things, since I am in a service field. One lady was apparently a wholesaler for dildos, had boxes of them all over. I have found a ton of porn in attics and crawlspaces. Apparently dudes think their wives will never look there.
One time we were servicing all the furnaces for the housing authority (read: ghetto). Not to make it a race thing, but me and my guys are all white, and this is primarily a black area we are working in. Of course, we saw tons of drugs and weapons, and about half of the black people who actually answered the door were sure we were "tha po-po". We had master keys, so we went in even if they didn't answer the door. I was waiting to be shot, and my uncle who was working with us at the time didn't help matters by banging on the doors and yelling "TASK FORCE!!!" all extra loud. So we go in one ladies unit, and as we walk in she comes running down the stairs, barely dressed. She looked like a crack whore. She was out of breath, and seemed relieved that we weren't the cops. She said "Oh my god, I though yalls was da police! I was right in the middle of my o-gasm!" Not awkward at all.
I have one customer who makes no attempt to hide his (and his wifes) porn addiction/collection. He has all sorts of shit out, sex swings, dildos, pictures/movies (like pictures of him and his wife, like uh, doin' it and stuff), some sort of saddle/sawhorse mechanism, and a bondage rack. Whats kinda weird is they are OLD. The house is trashed and nasty, and so are they. Its always weird when I am discussing something with him and there not 2 feet from me is a picture of his wife doing some nasty shit. I don't know if they have kids, but imagine that embarrassment as a child having friends stop by! Despite all the weirdness, the funniest moment was when I was working there one time, just getting ready to leave, and they were standing in front of me as I was explaining the repair and stuff. Its super quiet, I'm just about to say "Good bye, have a nice day", when his wife rips a very loud, wet fart. The 3 of us stand there for what seemed like forever, then he says "She hasn't been feeling too good lately". No shit.
No no no, i meant your writing is painting a very vivid picture in my head... good writing.... lol @ "drilldo"
-justin
__________________
1996 Camaro Z28 CRM
'03 Vette Ls1 swap in progress, Tubular K-Member, Poly bushings, more parts on its way... 1995 Pontiac Trans Am Dark Silver/Black
LT1, LT's, ORY, Magnaflow Catback, poly bushings, lowered, KYB's, The New DD
I work 3rd shift at a hotel on Friday and Saturday nights. Let me tell you about some weird shit.
I've caught a dude butt naked banging a broad on the floor in the ice machine room.
I had a wasted dude who was quite intrigued by the wheat grass growing in the lobby(its real grass used as decor). Told him that it was edible and convinced him to start eating it like a cow. Got a picture. Then him and his buddy went outside for a smoke. I run into him 30 mintues later and ask how the grass is sitting on his stomach. Had no idea he had ate the grass.
I know the regular hookers by name.
There is a huge black dude, Mr. Johnson, who comes in once or twice a week between 3 to 5am. Has a different chick every time. I have to deliver condoms from the gift shop for him every time. He told me the ones in the mini-bar cut off circulation
I had to break up a fight between a husband and wife. Dude looked like was going to strangle her.
Lots of bullshit drama between the lesbians at work. Jessica was the manager and about 50, ugly as hell, and had the same woman for 25 years. Kim was about 23, very quiet, mean, unfriendly, and generally psychotic. Jessica and Kim got along great, but everybody else hated Kim with a passion. They fell in love, then Jessica's girlfriend blows her brains out. They both quit after that happened, not sure what's up with that crazy pair.
EDIT: I work at the Loew's Vanderbilt hotel, its a 4 star joint with the cheapest room being $180 a night.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dan Stewart
I beat my junk because nobody beats my junk like I beat my junk.......
when his wife rips a very loud, wet fart. The 3 of us stand there for what seemed like forever, then he says "She hasn't been feeling too good lately". No shit.
hahaha... no pun intended...right?
__________________ '05 Midnight Blue Metalic A4 GTO 2000 T/A
I'm gonna skip "Big Wet Arses part 3" for now, I will finish it later as it isn't quite as amusing as the first 2 parts.
"His dick's gonna fall out!"
Last August Andy and I were on our way to a job, and we decided we should stop for gas, drinks, and some snacks. I pull into the local speedway, and start to fill my work van up. I stick the nozzle in, and hop back in the van to wait until it is done filling, so I can pay when I go in to get my snacks and stuff. So we're sitting there in the van, bull****ting as usual, ripping on each other and anyone else we see fit to make fun of.
A red early 90's Escort comes rolling into the gas station, and parks by the door. An ENORMOUS man gets out of this tiny car, and trash and candy wrappers fall on the ground as he lumbers towards the door. Now I already mentioned he was huge, and he was dressed to boot. He had glasses and long dirty looking hair, and a bit of a beard. He wore an old blue plaid flannel shirt, and these old nasty grey sweat pants with potato chip grease stains on his thighs from too many nights staring at the computer and rubbing his hands on his pants. They had holes in them, and I don't think they could have been stretched out anymore, because as he walked he had to hold them up with one hand. He had some tennis shoes on, but since they're completely irrelevant I won't go into detail. This guy was perfect fodder for our usual jokes. We shall call him "Tubby"
We sit there for a second, cracking jokes, when the pump stops. Andy says "Come on, I'm hungry lets go!" I replied, "No f'ing way am I going in there, that guy probably smells like my last ****, and I bet he lets go of his pants and they drop and his dick falls out for everyone to see. I'm waiting until he leaves." Andy goes in anyways, and I figure what the hell nothings going to happen, and I go inside. Andy and I are standing in the aisle, perusing the candybars, and Tubby is standing about 10 feet away trying to decide what kind of chips he wants to wipe on his sweatpants next. He decides he wants the chips on the top shelf, which he can't get with his one hand because his other hand is holding his pants up, limiting his reach. Tubby then lets go of his pants and reaches up with both hands to grab the chips, and it happens. Tubbys pants fell down, and his junk pops out. Andy SCREAMS at the top of his lungs like a hyena, and I yell "HOLY **** I TOLD YOU HIS DICK WAS GOING TO FALL OUT WHEN HE DROPPED HIS PANTS!" Time came to a standstill as everyone in the gas station stopped to look. Tubby turned white as a ghost, dropped his chips, grabbed his pants, and ran as only a fat man can to his little red Escort, and high tailed it out of there. I lost my appetite after what I had witnessed, so I went and sat quietly in the van waiting for Andy to return.
__________________ 99 C5 - 383 LS6 stroker, D&D T56, 4.10's, and every other bolt-on under the sun.
Drilldo's, Big Wet Arses, and more! All in a days work... 
good writing.... lol @ "drilldo"
